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IELTS Task2

asi********さん

2018/6/1307:37:48

IELTS Task2

Government should spend money on railways rather than roads. To what extant do you agree or disagree with this statement?


This idea differs from whether the place is a developing or developed country. For a developing country, the government should invest much budget in roads in order to improve infrastructure, whereas a developed country having many cities should spend money on railways as the roads have already tended to be improved enough.

Countries which are located in Africa need constructed roads. The roads of such countries are constructed by soil and once it rains heavily, many ponds turn up on the ground. The phenomenon has negative effects on logistics in Africa, and many fumes due to trucks soar in the air. If the roads are upgraded, the logistic system in Africa will get better strikingly. In other words, the system will not be improved but the economy in Africa will also be better. Additionally, the cost which roads are constructed is cheaper than that of building railways.

Developed countries such as the US and Japan focus on improving transport. For instance, Japan’s land area is smaller than other developed countries and many people are gathered in cities. A lot of traffic jam happens every day in the areas and much exhaust gas is released. It has big impacts on the environment. Therefore, Japanese government should prepare the transport that the environment could be conserved. If appropriate infrastructure is supplied to the nations, these problems will be resolved.

In summary, whether transport which should be invested is railways or roads depends on the circumstances of each country. Countries obviously grasp their situations at present and should spend their budgets on transport for their citizens.

ここが間違ってるあるいは、こうしたら良いとかアイデアがある方よろしくお願いします。

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ilo********さん

2018/6/1411:39:21

1段落目

出だしからThis idea とか言われても読み手には何のことかさっぱり。このエッセイの場合は問題文のパラフレーズを1段落目の先頭に入れれば十分かと思われる。

> This idea differs from whether the place is a developing or developed country.
A differ from whether B or C だと「BなのかCなのかはAとは異なる」となり言いたいこととは違うかと。A depends on whether B or C ではどうだろうか。

> the roads have already tended to be improved enough.
日本語に直訳すると理解できるが英語的には良くわからない。
in most case, their roads already have good quality とか? 自信なし
あとこの部分はこの段落ではなくボディパラグラフにおいた方がバランスが良い。ここはまだイントロダクションなので理由まで述べる必要はない。

2段落目

> Countries which ... need constructed roads.
need+過去分詞ってのは文法的に正しいのか知らないが、
素直にneed to construct roads でいいのでは?

> The roads ... are constructed by soil
土が道を建設するみたいで違和感あり。
たぶん constructed of soil がベター

> many fumes due to trucks soar in the air
due toの使い方に何となく違和感を感じるがcaused byとかの方が良いかも。なんとなくね。

> If the roads are upgraded, the logistic system in Africa will get better strikingly. In other words, the system will not be improved but the economy in Africa will also be better.
ここの2つの文のつながりが理解できない。

> the cost which roads are constructed is cheaper ...
道路の建設コスト
cost to construct roads とか cost of/for road construction とか

3段落目

> Developed countries such as the US and Japan focus on improving transport.
たぶんshould focus
このエッセイの主題はrailway vs roadのはずだけど、この段落ではtransportに力を入れるべきとなってしまってる。railwayの間違いかと。

> Japanese government should prepare the transport that the environment could be conserved.
... transport by which environment could be conserved か ... transport which could conserve environment の方が正確

先進国では都会で交通渋滞がひどくて環境に悪影響を与えるので道路よりも鉄道などの公共交通機関に力を入れるべきってのはわかるけど、それは途上国でも同じ話だったりする。イントロダクションに書かれてるもう1つの理由をこの段落に持ってくると良い。

全体的によく書けている。言いたいことはほぼ理解できる。
6.0いけると思う。

質問した人からのコメント

2018/6/15 10:59:55

わざわざお忙しいのにも関わらず、的確なアドバイスありがとうございました。これから自己研鑽に努めます

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