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英作文の添削をお願いいたします。 なかなか自分で添削をするのは難しいのでよろ...

ryu********さん

2019/8/2023:15:29

英作文の添削をお願いいたします。
なかなか自分で添削をするのは難しいのでよろしくおねがいします。
添削までいかなくても、一言ここが間違っているとか言っていただけると助かりますm(__)m

問は以下となります。
Should girls and boys be allowed to play on the same sports teams? What is your opinion? Give reasons with examples stating why some sports should or should not have boys and girls playing together. Write an essay in English.

私の解答。
I do not agree to this idea as long as these girls and boys are junior high school students and above for following reason. Certainly, it is good to play the same sports with the opposite sex and this game can help us communicate with each genders. However, playing on the same sports teams can cause serious injuries especially among girls. This is mainly because boys are usually bigger than girls in terms of their heights or weights when they are twelve and over. For example, a boy may hit and injure a girl while playing basketball. Therefore, I disagree to playing games on the same groups.

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tedさん

2019/8/2508:34:24

>英作文の添削をお願いいたします。

> I do not agree to this idea as long as these girls and boys are junior high school students and above for following reason.

I do not think it's a very good idea that junior HS students, boys and girls, play together. (for following reason いらない)

> Certainly, it is good to play the same sports with the opposite sex and this game can help us communicate with each genders. However, playing on the same sports teams can cause serious injuries especially among girls.

There are some merits in the opposite sexes playing sports together since it can help them talk to each other while playing, but playing together can incur serious injuries, especially to girls.

> This is mainly because boys are usually bigger than girls in terms of their heights or weights when they are twelve and over. For example, a boy may hit and injure a girl while playing basketball.

Generally, boys of over 12 are bigger, taller, and heavier than girls of the same age, and so girls can be more easily hurt and injured than boys, while, for example, playing basketball.

> Therefore, I disagree to playing games on the same groups.

For these reasons, I don't think it's a good idea for high school students, boys and girls, to play sports together.

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2019/8/2200:33:28

I'm againt it because there's a big difference in body maturing between girls and boys.
But for fun, it is good to play together and share the laugh, so sports can help us grow skill of communication more naturally.
However, if they play for competing, it can lead increased rate of serious injuries. Because boys get mascular than girls, meaning that it's hard for girls to endure with the bumps of men.
Therefore, I disagree to playing on mixed gender.

paradisusさん

編集あり2019/8/2100:02:24


問は「認められるべきですか?」と聞いているのであって、「認められるべきだ」と断定している訳ではありません。したがって I do not agree to this idea から始めるのはよろしくありません。 this idea など存在しないのですから。 Girls and boys should not be allowed to play on 〜 から始めましょう。


these girls and boys は違和感があります。単純に they でいいでしょう。


as long as 〜 and above で一度文を切った方がキレイです。理由が複数あるならまだしも、ひとつしかないなら for following reason は余計です(理由がいくつあるのか先に述べておくことで、文章を読みやすくさせるテクニックがあります)。


Certainly 以降はちょっと不自然です。

It might promote communication between girls and boys to play the same sports teams with people of the opposite sex (, so it is not a bad action) . However, girls are likely to be injured by the action. This is because boys are usually taller and heavier than girls at the age of twelve and over.

余計な説明を省いて、これくらいシンプルでもいいと思います。


For example からのくだりは、ちょっと弱いです。バスケットボールでなくても接触プレーはあるでしょうし、もっと具体的な例だと好ましいです。


playing games on the same groups は変です。最初の文の使い回しでいいでしょう。

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