ここから本文です

Toefl ibtのライティングの添削・フィードバックをお願いします。

hor********さん

2017/2/2114:08:23

Toefl ibtのライティングの添削・フィードバックをお願いします。

Toefl ibtのライティングパートでエッセイの題が
The university which you attend has received a large gift of money which could be spent for either
a new library with more books and additional computers or a new sports facility with exercise rooms and a swimming pool. In your opinion, which use of money would be better? Use specific
reasons and examples to support your answer.
その題に対して私が書いたエッセイの添削・フィードバックをよろしくお願いします。

While some students may think the money should spent for a sports center with exercise room and a swimming pool to stay healthy or reduce stress, I would prefer to be spent for a new library and additional computers.
There are two reasons: research and the place to study.
First of all, a new library and additional computers help students research something related to their interests. In the university, we have to conduct research using many books and academic articles.
In reality, many students are always confused with choosing resources to use for research. That is stressful for students, and because of that some of students feel like stopping conducting research.
For example, if students can not find the books in a university library, they have to go to a city library. However,
we can easily find the resources we want to use in research in the library with many books. Moreover, without computers, it is impossible to conduct research. If a university has many computers, students do not have to buy their own personal computers.
As we already know personal computers are expensive, so students can not afford to but them. The university which attended has a library with many books and computers. Thanks to the library, I was able to achieve my research, and
eventually I got scholarship.
Second, a new library is the best place to focus on studying for students. A library is a quiet place, and the atmosphere enables us to study. In addition, if the library is new and has many books, more students come to the library
and start to read books, or write an easy. For example, in Japan it is hard to find the clean place for studying, which harasses students. The university which my best friend attended was the newest at that time.
He told me that many students were happy with having the place to study in the university.
Therefore, although a sports facility has many advantages, I would prefer to choose a new library because of research and the place to study.

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Evanさん

2017/2/2214:37:03

ネイティヴです。TOEFL ibt は、114点取りました。

まず、一通り文法を見ていきますね。

While some students may think the money should spent for a sports center with exercise room[s] and a swimming pool to stay healthy or reduce stress, I would prefer [it] to be spent for a new library [with] additional computers.
There are two reasons: research and the place to study.
First of all, a new library [with] additional computers [would] help students [conduct] research [in subjects of their interest]. In the university, we have to conduct research using many books and academic articles.
In reality, many students are always confused [when they are] choosing [which] resources to use for research. [Because the process can often be too stressful and arduous,] some of [the] students [lose interest in research.]
For example, if students [cannot] find the [resources they need] in [the] university library, they have to go to a city library.
However, we can easily find the resources we want to use [for] research [with the addition of a new] library. Moreover, without computers, it is impossible to conduct research. If [the] university has many computers, students do not have to buy their own computers.
As we already know, personal computers are expensive, so students [cannot] afford to buy them. The university which [I] attended [had] a library with many books and computers. Thanks to the library, I was able to [conduct] my research, and eventually I [received a] scholarship.
Second, a new library is the best place to focus on studying for students. A library is a quiet place, and the atmosphere enables us to study. In addition, if the library is new and has many books, more students [would] come to the library to read books. For example, in Japan it is hard to find [a] clean place [to] study. The university which my best friend attended [had the newest campus] at [the] time.
He told me that many students were happy [that they had a] place to study [within] the university.
Therefore, [even though] a sports facility has many advantages, I would prefer having a new library in the university.

所々に文法のミスがありますね。

次に、内容の方を見ていきます。まず、最初の理由についてなのですが、In reality, many students are always confused [when they are] choosing [which] resources to use for research. この部分で、学生たちは何の本を研究に使うのか戸惑う、と言っていますが、もし新しい図書館が出来て本などが多くなったら、もっと戸惑ってしまうのではないでしょうか。ちょっと内容と合わないので、書き換えてみました。

First of all, building a new library with more books and academic journals would allow students to explore wider range of resources without having to go out of the campus to look for them. When students conduct a research, one of the biggest problem is finding resources that is suitable for the topic. If students cannot find the resource that they need within the university, they would have to go look for it in city libraries or book stores, making the process of conducting a research unnecessarily difficult. Addition of a library with more resources accessible to the students would solve this problem, and allow students to do research more easily.

次に、コンピュータについての部分なんですけれども、ちょっと間違っている部分があります

The university which [I] attended [had] a library with many books and computers. Thanks to the library, I was able to [conduct] my research, and eventually I [received a] scholarship.

このライティングのトピックを見ますと、The university which YOU attend has received... と書いてあります。つまり今、自分がその大学に通っているというのが前提なのです。なので、ここでこの例を使うのは、ちょっとおかしいと思います。もしこの例を使いたいのなら、

The university that I previously attended prior to this one, というように、この大学の前に通ったことのある大学、とハッキリした方がいいと思います。

二番目の理由は良いと思いますよ!ただ、もうちょっと工夫した方が良いと思います。例えば、

The library that we already have at the university gets crowded with students during finals. Addition of a new library would provide more space for those trying to study for the exams.

の様に、試験期間時に混む図書館をもう一つ作ることでより多くの生徒たちが施設を利用できる、という風にアプローチするのも良いと思います。

結構よく知恵袋見るんで、わからないことがあったら聞いてください!

試験頑張ってください!!

  • 質問者

    hor********さん

    2017/2/2323:49:17

    ありがとうございます。
    ちなみに、まだ私自身ibtを受けたことがないのですが
    この私が書いたエッセイの出来だと大体ライティングのスコアはどのぐらいだと予測できますか?

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