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英作文です 添削をお願い致します

got********さん

2019/2/1114:53:27

英作文です 添削をお願い致します

{お題}
Japan is experiencing the problem of depopulation. Provide two ideas that can help Japan prepare for the challenges of a decreasing and aging population

I think the government must work on the problem of depopulation.
First,the government rise tax more,we do not have to pay much money for our child as north Europe do this project. Of course,some people do not agree my opinion because the people do not want to pay tax more than now.
But the challenges of a decreasing and aging population are too big to cope with.
Second,the government give the family who has a new baby money. We need to much money to raise our child,so poor family can not has a clild.
This project will lead to rise birth rate. As a result,
young people can support elderly people with various aspects.
Therefore I suggest these two ideas.

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ベストアンサーに選ばれた回答

2019/2/1201:57:38

I think the government will immediately work out a possible solution to the depopulation problem.

For example, the government has to take more control of the welfare system by putting reasonable amount of tax on us to support all the individuals who live in the country like many of north European countries are experimenting, even though a lot of people might argue that is different to our situation.
But the issue is nearly coming impossible that we are able to handle with our personal savings.

So instead of leaving the choices on the people, creating more guaranteed subsidy to every parents when they have a new baby would stimulate to outnumber the birth rate because the cost for having child is the biggest risk for young generation who grew up in the long recession in Japan.
Getting out of the aging problem will take decades, so raising domestic population by big supports is the best solution in the long run.
Therefore I suggest these two ideas.

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opt********さん

2019/2/1116:52:00

>Japan is experiencing the problem of depopulation.
Japan is facing (直面している)..

>Provide two ideas that can help Japan prepare for the challenges of a decreasing and aging population
よくわからなくてすみません、元の日本文がほしいです。
人口減少と高齢化のふたつの課題に直面しているということでしょうか。

>First,the government rise tax more,we do not have to pay much money for our child as north Europe do this project.

the government "should" r"a"ise...

we do not have to pay much money for our child as north Europe do this project. がよくわかりません。
北ヨーロッパがやってるように?でも、私たちは子どもにそんなにお金をかけなくていい?

> government give
government "should" give..
who has a new baby money.がよくわかりません。

ーーーーーーーーーー

全体的に、
日本は少子化と高齢化のふたつの問題に直面しているから
税金を上げる?ことと、子育て家庭に金を支給しろということで
子どもが増えれば高齢者を支えられるだろうという
主張かと思います。

もとの日本語の文がわからないと、とくにひとつめの解決策のところで何を言いたいのかがよくわかりません。(ごめんなさい)

ーーーーー

全体的に
①用語を工夫する
②文の構造を英語らしくする
の2つの課題があるかと思いました。

①については、support(支援) allowance(手当)enhance(強化する)などを取り入れる
②については、たとえば
the government give the family who has a new baby money.
⇒政府はニューベイビーマネーをもっている家族を与える
というよくわからない構造になっているものを、
the government should give more money to the family who are raising children.とかにする、でしょうか。

Secondly,the government should enhance raising birth rate. A newspaper reported one of reasons that young people don't have any baby is their yearly income is not enough to have big family. So if the government decide to give them intensive support, such as better allowance, public support for hiring baby sitters and establish more daycare, it would be easier for young people to have children.

とかですかね。

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